Virginity

I’m 17 and all my friends talked about having sex but personally I wanted to save my virginity until I got married. However that didn’t happen. So through summer ’17 I was talking to this guy a lot, he would always sweet talk me and told me he really liked me and everything and I thought that we were more than friends but less than a relationship, but as we got to the end of the holidays he would only ever pop up to me at night and tell me he has a free house all night and that I should come round (on like fridays or saturdays) so we didn’t speak as much.
So sometime in October I was staying at someones house one night and the person lived pretty close to where he did and he asked me to come round, I asked him to do what, and he said just to watch a movie and get to know each other. Clearly those weren’t his intentions.
So I went to his house and we were watching a movie, and basically this guy that had previously tried to talk to me was in the house but I didn’t realize at the time because they were being so secretive about it, even though we were. He left through the back door just so I wouldn’t know he was there. But anyway, we were watching the movie and he told me to come closer so obviously I did and then we were just snuggling together, which I thought was fine, until he put his hands down my trousers. Then he kept asking me if I was tired and I said a little so he said lets go to bed. I should have known at this point but I didn’t think anything would happen. So we were in bed and then he takes my trousers off and asked me if I was ready, obviously I had told him I was a virgin, and to wait because I wasn’t sure, he was like come on so then yeah we had sex and then I left his house and he messaged me later that night but after that we didn’t speak really. I spoke to his friend who was in the house and he said that the guy had said to him that he’s horny and he wants someone to come round. I was kinda hurt that my friend didn’t tell me, and that I was basically a booty call.
I already have low self-esteem and he made me feel as though he cared about me and everything but the fact the he completely didn’t talk to me after that really hurt.
But when I went to his house I was talking to another guy so I felt so guilty that I had sex when I was talking to someone else. I know I’m ‘trash’ or whatever but it wasn’t intended. As soon as I got home I was just crying and everything and I struggle with self harm so having sex with that guy just made everything 10X worst, and of course in my culture it’s expected to ‘stay pure until marriage’, so I really regret it. I mean yeah that was my experience with losing my virginity.

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