Virginity

I was honestly thinking whether I’d even be comfortable writing about my sexual encounters with guys but then I realised if its anonymous then I can surely live with that.

 

Virginity

 

Virginity is something we are told to treasure while growing it, it is what keeps us “pure” and ironically I cannot stress how many times this was shoved down my throat. If we’re speaking technically virginity is simply the state of having had no sexual intercourse, and if we consider what we are taught in religion it is also linked with innocence and purity. Now the idea of sex never really came across my mind until moving to university. Firstly, I came from a semi-religious household, I say this because compared to other families I knew we did the bare minimum and my parents just wanted their kids to be good people. Secondly, I’d never felt a sexual attraction to anyone before, I had accepted that guys weren’t that into me and just left it at that, I was just comfortable on my ones.

 

Thirdly, I’d never been alone with a guy in a room before and the most scandalous thing I’d ever done was catch whine – I’m sure that’s not the term but my London people dem will know what I’m getting onto.

 

In the summer of 2015 I downloaded ‘Tinder’ – at the time it was mainly a dating app, I just wanted to meet guys my age who shared common interests and attempt to go on date like a normal teen/young adult. I didn’t have any intentions to go on actual dates due to my anxiety and I wouldn’t meet up with anyone until October that year, during my second month of moving to University. Tinder made me feel special, for the first time I was receiving compliments from guys about my appearance and as someone who is really insecure it made me feel special. I was used to being the fat friend, the girl that people just thought was funny and that’s that really. I was 18 very awkward and I felt like I was behind in life, some friends had been in relationships and I felt like I wasn’t really seizing the opportunity of my youth.

 

So, moving to university was a new experience, I was reserved for the most part and didn’t really want to jump right out of my comfort zone. I was cautious of alcohol and didn’t drink much at first and I guess just remained in my sheltered bubble. Sometimes I sit in my room and think about that bubble, how comfortable I was, I wasn’t happy but I didn’t feel as much pain as I currently do and I guess that’s what makes me wish I could go back. It’s like I can see myself sitting on my bed in my uni room in first year and all I want to do is go up and cuddle myself and warn myself to stay away from boys especially tinder boys and belt out “KNOW YOU WORTH”(I wouldn’t want any girl to go through what I’ve been through).

 

I was just talking to guys on Tinder, they’d tell me how hot I was and my head would swell, then I’d remember that I’m really not that attractive and then reality would hit and I’d dismiss meeting up with guys. Being a virgin on ‘Tinder’ was just a negative experience, you were either encountered with people who were eager to ‘take your virginity’ so they could change your life or people who would make fun of you and tell you you’re not special and waiting is stupid. There was this one guy that I was obsessed with, I thought he was the hottest guy I’d ever seen and the fact that he was I guess ‘attracted’ to me made me even more eager to peruse him. We’re going to call him ‘A’, I wish I could use his full name but unfortunately I have some respect for confidentiality. So, A was this really attractive guy who was in his third year of university, he was studying architecture and had transferred from Loughborough to my university. We’d talk and stuff and he’d make crude jokes and I’d ‘over-react’ because I took everything literally and he’d find my responses amusing. I was so whipped because he thought I was cute and he’d ask me to come to his uni house which was off campus and as a shy first year who didn’t know her new surroundings that well, I declined. I’d get so anxious while messaging him on campus especially if we were in the same building together (we had never actually met up). I just wasn’t ready confront guys in person and I guess it just died off since I wasn’t willing to give up my virginity.

 

I was talking to multiple guys, I had hundreds of matches and yeah I thought I was like this ‘Tinder’ Queen and that anyone who was graced with my presence would be BLESSED. When I moved to university I thought that I would find ‘the one’, I just felt like I’d find the guy I was going to marry. I’m typing in my third year as a bitter single who is just tired of this nonsensical unfulfilling quest. Moving on to October of 2015 I’m sure you were waiting for that, I met up with a guy for the first time. He lived on campus so if anything dodgy went down campus security was a buzz away, I went over to his place on campus and we watched a movie and that was that. There wasn’t any physical interaction and I just felt that he wasn’t into me and I was also very reserved and sat away from him and it was a very awkward first meeting. We messaged each other and he mentioned that he felt like I wasn’t into him because he felt like I was avoiding him (I’m not going to lie I low key was) and then I went over to his a second time but this was after dark. It was the first time I’d made out with a guy and I felt like my life had been changed, I’d never been kissed like that before and I won’t go into details but no I didn’t lose my virginity here I didn’t have it in me to go further so I just left and we stopped talking because me being a virgin made thing ‘DIFFICULT’ – his words not mine.

 

Erm time passed, I was talking to guys but didn’t really see anyone until December, I was back at home for Christmas and felt like I was confident to go on a date in my city. London is honestly so beautiful during the Christmas period and I love the lights on Oxford street they’re just so beautiful. So, I matched with this guy on ‘Tinder’, he recently turned 24 and was really tall, like 6’5” and I just felt like this guy was really mature and stuff. However, we began exchanging nudes, I’d never done that before but he would constantly tell me I was beautiful and I’d believe it and I was just lost in my ego because I’d found someone who was obsessed with me. This is where I learnt what Lust and a Fetish was. To him I was this sexy black woman with big breasts and a big bum but I was 18 and he was 24, whenever I look back at this I feel like beating myself up because it’s a bit messed up and I’m ashamed to say it even happened. On our first date, he took me to see a Bollywood movie because I like Bollywood movies, however despite it being a great film it consisted of me giving him a hand job in the theatre and receiving a warm icky surprised in my hands. It made me giggle and he apologised but I shouldn’t have done it, I was so happy to go on my first proper date that I was so blinded by the fact that there was nothing romantic or sweet about. I lied to my friends, I never told anyone that this happened and I would continue to lie to my friends for a while.

 

After knowing this guy for two weeks I invited him to come back to uni with me, I thought we were dating but I completely dismissed all the red flags. I tend to do that a lot, sometimes give people the benefit of the doubt without protecting yourself. He stayed in my uni room for a week and told his family he was going on a trip with some friends. For the entire time he never left my room, had no interest in going outside and that’s where I should have known but again I dismissed it. One of my guy friends thought I was an idiot, mate I was a FUCKING IDIOT but man, that’s life you know there are people who make good decisions, then theres people who make bad decisions and then theres ME, one nonentity who continues to sabotage herself. I want cut this short I didn’t lose my virginity here but I did discover oral sex. Time went on we skyped, still exchanged nudes then I finally accepted that he was only interested in my body and finally blocked him out of my life. He left me an ornament and I ended destroying it and sending him pictures of said ornament, it was beautiful but I was hurt and it took me months to process that this guy technically preyed on me because I made him horny.

 

Moving on to spring 2016, your girl loses her virginity to Rick, we’re gonna call this guy Rick. So, I matched with Rick on ‘Tinder’, we were talking and he seemed cool, we were flirting and he told me he was on a gap year and recently received an acceptance letter to go to university in September 2016, so he was a local in my uni town. I was way over myself and said “How should we celebrate?”, he knew I was a virgin because I’d explained that at first and so he didn’t press or anything. I was doing an assignment and I was so stressed because I’d been working on it for days (loooool its first year, relax babe) and decided to take a break and go and meet him. I made a dangerous decision to go to a guy’s house who I had never met before and I’d put myself in a situation of potential danger. Obviously, nothing happened as I am here typing now but let’s just say I was lucky because I have heard some horror stories from ‘Tinder’. So, I walked to the end of my university road to meet Rick and I noticed someone walking towards me, he did not look like his pictures at all he was much larger due to weight gain from stress eating and all of his pictures were from years prior so that was completely unexpected.

 

This was where I realised that I had a problem with caring about what people think of me, I didn’t want to come off as a dick and still decided to proceed with him. His appearance was never a problem I just felt like I had been lied to. We watched a movie in his room and he proceeded to kiss me and put his hands in between my legs. No one had ever touched me like that before and I felt a sensation that was foreign but great. I decided at that point I was ready to lose my virginity. He was very reluctant and very considerate and I appreciate that because it was my decision and I wasn’t pressured into having sex. People would always tell me how people change after sex and I remember walking home that night and realising that I was still the same person, just because I’d lost my virginity didn’t mean I was any less of a person. I believe it’s important that people know this because I was so determined to prove to people that not being a virgin did not make someone a bad person.

 

I continued to see Rick and he caught feelings, I wasn’t sure what I wanted and once again the views of society kicked in, girls are the ones who should be falling in love and guys are supposed to be dicks. I just didn’t really want anything and that’s ok, just because someone likes you does not mean that you are also obliged to like them too. But it took me a while to think about what I wanted while I was seeing him and when I finally decided that I wanted to try and form a relationship he had already started seeing another girl but had sex with me one last time to say goodbye. This is where I realised that guys ain’t shit. Like he had sex with me the night before going on a date with this new girl and I was in disbelief, it meant he never cared about me. We were seeing each other for two months and I had exams around this period and I was afraid that this would fuck up my grades. So, as the strong girl I am I just had to push myself and forget about it, he tried to contact me on my birthday in the summer and I was going to lose, Rick complained about the new girl being emotionally abusive and I tried not to care because he left me for her and that was his choice. In September 2016, I entered my second year of university and he wanted me back even though he was now hours away from me studying in another city. I still had a sexual connection because I’d lost my virginity to him and had not slept with another since my encounters with Rick.

 

My friends told me to stop talking to him, I’d sext him but I realised that this was wrong and blocked him out of my life. This was around the same time I met my current ‘EX’ on ‘Tinder’, again he didn’t really look anything like his pictures and I didn’t want to come off as a dick. So, I agreed to hang out with him and we ended up having sex, he was very weird and I didn’t understand what he was up to. But he asked me out for dinner which no one has ever done before and I said yes, we went to this cute Mexican restaurant in town and It was cool. (one thing that was very weird was that he didn’t let me pay for myself, and said that I should cover the next time we would eat out, like I wanted to pay for myself but he was really weird about it). He ended up messaging me something he was supposed to send to a friend of his and it went along the lines of “it’s just an excuse to get some food”, “it’s the girl I hooked up with”, not going to lie I was about to break his neck and I wans’t having it. He apologised and explained that he didn’t want his friends to tease him. We began dating and after seven long ass months I realised I rushed into this and couldn’t be bothered with the stress he brought into my life. Man, some of my friends would ask me why I settled for someone who couldn’t cater to my emotional needs. I personally suffer from depression and anxiety and my ex also had his own issues and I spent so much time nursing him that I completely neglected my own wellbeing. I’m not a victim ooooo I just want to state that but dam ya’ll need to remember to look after yourselves and do what right for you boo. We were on and off because I didn’t feel like I could move on and because of how nice and genuine he was as a person I never felt like I could meet anyone who would treat me like the Queen I am. He made me feel special in a good way and did try to make me feel happy but it was unhealthy for both of us. There’s so much I could dish about my last relationship but I respect my ex enough to not talk about it.

 

So, third year, like wow we’re really in third year like that’s actually wild. I had friends telling me that this will be my year and you know what I still claim it even though I’ve managed to meet about 7 demons in the space of the first 5 weeks. I went on a mini search for a fulfilling partner whom I could hook up with occasionally but it ended up with guys airing me after having sex and me constantly moving on to the next. My third year began early, as I had gotten a job at my university so I was back 2 weeks early. An old friend of mine who I used to have a crush on reached out to me. We’d been attending the same church and we kept in contact occasionally, he hit me up while I was with my ex because he wanted to have sex with me. See this is what? This is what you call a red flag. I shut him down cause man’s loyal and when he hit me up this time it felt like it was coming from a genuine friend. My mental health has been tragic and I have contemplated suicide at times so yeah life feels peak for me sometimes and it means a lot when people randomly reach out to me. He explained that he felt that he had been a bad friend for not being there for me or messaging me and I could agree to some extent. I valued this person as a friend, I really did, we’re gonna call him Mark.  So, Mark booked a ticket and came to see me, we’d spoken about the possibilities of having sex and the ball was in my court. I mean his visit was ok and we did have sex and I deeped it wasn’t that deep, I’d have been fine if I didn’t hook up with him as for me nothing changed. I now realise that he’d been trying to have sex with me for a while and since he had achieved his goal he no longer needed to speak to me and that’s what happened we haven’t spoken since. I messaged him to tell him about himself and he aired and this would be the first of many L’s to come in the first 5 weeks of uni.  He did say he was trash and I’ll continue to question who my real friends are. (FYI Mark was kind of seeing a girl at his own uni so yh I feel bad for her if they’re still together cause he ain’t shit) I’ll continue with my final year later as it’s only just begun.

 

(Note to reader, all the following guys are from Tinder, Tinder is rubbish stay away from it please)

 

  • The first guy was a 3rd year history student, we hooked up he kept talking about how beautiful I was when we were together, but he was drunk we never hung out again.

 

  • The second was a guy who recently graduated he was Sri Lankan and used to play cricket (looool these deets aren’t necessary) we didn’t have sex due to complications (looooool guys laugh with me, nah I’m joking I’m not evil but just imagine what complications occurred).

 

  • The third guy was different, he was from Pakistan but Birmingham bread (fam the accent was peak) he was cool until he started explaining that he needs to stop messing with girls and find himself a pure bread from his ppl dem. (Dear young women of faith, I beg check your so called “devoted” man of faith because these times they’re the worst and you’ll probs be experiment 626 no Lilo) but wait he had the audacity to ask me if I was ready to settle down and if I was afraid of guys tapping my ass and ditching me. Like is he sick or sick?

 

  • The fourth guy was this French post-grad who looked like one of my seminar leaders (I wasn’t fucking my seminar leader looooool although there is one I have my eye on but I’m not that trash). He loved my braids and thought I was soooo beautiful, again I’m assuming it was a fetish because he was only into black women. It was very short lived because his ex from France contacted him and I appreciate that he took the time to explain that he wanted to work things out with her and spoke about his interactions with me. So, great at least one of these guys was mature enough to explain their case.

 

  • The fifth guy was this black guy who was a part of a Christian society on campus, I’m not gonna lie these ‘religious’ guys will continue to make me laugh. He fully said he did one acting job and that was it, I love how in public they’ll be proclaiming their God and denouncing their affiliation in the dark (your God see’s you innit mate). He was in a celibate relationship at uni which recently ended and I was the first person he hooked up with since moving to uni. (A message to his ex – he’s trash, don’t go back you deserve better babes – I’m not even being rude, I’m just being honest)

 

  • Ok so the sixth guy was this prick who I met in first year, I would constantly shut him down because I was too shy and stuff and then I saw him one on a night out in second year and he was a dick. So, I was on my way home after having lunch with a friend to which he saw me and sent a friend request on Facebook (bruh he really watched me walk off and past the bus when I got off) we’re gonna call him Ziza not cause that’s his name backwards or anything. So, he apologised for being a dick last year and asked to take me out for a drink, gave me his number cause his “wifi wasn’t working”, yet these times the fool was contacting me on WHATSAPP – u know an app that requires wifi yh he’s real dumb. We met up that night and watched a movie and unfortunately I hooked up with him and that was my mistake. He told some bullshit story about how he met his ex in our uni town and that she was a local who was also Indian – I SHOULD HAVE BLOCKED HIM CAUSE THAT’S DEFFO HIS WIFE AND SHE PROBS AINT GIVING HIM SOME, HE AINT EVEN DESERVE SOME WITH HIS CHEESE STICK. Apparently, she moved to Poland to study Medicine but I was happy to see that he made time for his girl as he took her to see the new Thor movie the day after cause he said he would be busy with an assignment. Hopefully he failed sha and even more tea guy I saw him and the girl earlier today and I know where she lives so she gonna get a lovely package of receipts (nah I’m joking I’m not that bad).

 

  • Ok so I’m on to number 7 now and he seems cool, not dodgy and completely straight up so we know his mama raised him right. But if I’m wrong then expect his obituary to come next.

 

Some people will say that why couldn’t you stop at number two, I ask myself the same question. This is what’s happened. The purpose of this is not to say men are trash or to make myself appear as a victim. I mentioned how I feel a pain now that I had not felt 3 years ago, guys if there’s one thing I’ve learnt, just know your worth and stop wasting your time with stupid people. I can honestly criticize this piece to the fullest. But typing down all of this has provided me with inner peace, I’ve been so reckless and inconsiderate to myself and this is why I want to go back and hug my past self. First year I’m my little sister she could even be reading this post right now. I did this because I know that there are also others like me and it honestly does take a lot of courage to be able to share my experiences as many may not even be able to relate. But its honestly amazing what you do not know about people.

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